My most recent breakup was good for a lot of reasons. While the best thing to come out of it was the fact that I dodged a huge fuckin bullet, a close second was that it gave me a bangin bod. Sure, I may have wanted to crawl under a rock and die, and 97% of my time for a solid 3 days was spent in the fetal position under the covers feeling dead inside, cuddling a Kirkland-sized bottle of Merlot with Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” on repeat, but when I came out of my post-breakup hibernation and had stopped crying long enough for my face to return to normal from looking like the Michelin man, I looked smokin hot. And that’s all that matters. Ladies and Gents, if you’re looking to lose weight, I highly recommend the breakup diet.
I moved past my most recent breakup pretty quickly, and it got me thinking: At what point do you know you’re over your ex? Here’s a scientifically proven list:
- One morning out of nowhere, you put on your pants and you’ve got muffin top. A full on fuckin inner tube just chillin above your waist. All of a sudden all of that post-breakup weight you lost from crying so much that even your body fat melted into tears is back with a vengeance.
- You no longer need activities to distract you like Mommy and Me Paint Nite with your dog, or working out at the gym. Which is also why you’ve gotten so fat.
- Your thoughts are no longer dominated by your ex. Instead, you are consumed by moral dilemmas such as deciding whether to stay out at the bar with your friends until closing time, or making it home in time to order a large Rusty’s pizza for one. Or how to get your cat to keep the Reggae hat you bought her on long enough to get a video for your Snap Chat story. Or wondering how late is socially acceptable for a grown ass woman to sleep in on a Saturday, then remembering that you don’t give a fuck because you live alone.
- You’ve severed the social media cord with your ex and all of their family. Even his super hot cousin who you secretly wanted to bang.
- You see an engagement photo shoot on Facebook and remember the time you and your ex went engagement ring shopping. Then you roll over and high five your no-strings-attached FWB, thanking God you don’t have to go visit their mom with them on Mother’s Day.
- You’ve added a few necessary bullets to your ever-growing list of Dealbreakers, such as, “Must not have a vagina” and “Must not choose World of Warcraft over sex”
- No longer do you flirt to get attention to make yourself feel better. You now flirt for free drinks (and if you’re lucky, free Chipotle).
- You no longer envision your wedding day with your ex. Now you envision 7pm at Trader Joe’s, picking up a bottle of their finest Two Buck Chuck and drinking the entire thing by yourself while binge watching Game of Thrones. Sunday Funday has never been more responsibility-free.
- You’ve stopped using hashtags like #strong and #independent and started using hashtags like #ilovemycat and #howearlyistooearlyforwine
- When you think of Halloween you think “Slutty Pirate” or “Giant Taco”, not “Mario and Peach” or “Britney and Justin”.
- You delete all their family’s birthdays from your google calendar. Good luck remembering them now, you son of a bitch!
- Instead of dwelling on the fact that you don’t have a significant other to buy you gifts for holidays, you rejoice over the fact that you don’t have to buy a significant other gifts for holidays. Oh, and you can have meaningless sex with strangers if that’s your thing.
Deuces, fucker! ✌🏼️🖕🏼