The Stages of Dieting

My sister recently had her second baby. Being that she’s 5’4 and was a whopping 113 lbs prior to baby #2, she has been determined to lose the baby fat. So, being the wonderful, supportive sister I am, I decided to help her get back down to her goal weight by agreeing to partake in body fat loss competition with her for a month.

Fun fact about my gem of a sister, she is a ruthless bitch when it comes to competition. I thought I was competitive. This bitch ate chicken and brown rice for every meal for a month just so she could say that she beat me. Every meal. EVERY meal. The intensity in her desire to destroy me in every competitive and non-competitive task in life makes me realize she needs some major therapy, or a swift kick in the ass by yours truly. But let’s be real, she could probably kick my ass as well 😦

Long story short, I lost. My punishment was to post my results on all social media for the world to see:


While my sister’s diet regimen was met with the tenacity and willpower of that a Buddhist monk, mine went more like this:

  • Day 1: Screw this bitch, sitting here all smug, thinking she’s gonna beat me. Bitch is going down. *Goes to store and buys 5 lbs of kale and 60 cans of tuna.*
  • Day 2: Kale shakes for breakfast and lunch, tuna for dinner. I am healthy AF, the poster child for “clean eating”. Why can’t everyone else in the world be as healthy as I am?
  • Day 3: DAMN I am looking FINE. I should audition to be a Victoria’s Secret model.
  • Day 4: Live Fantasy Football Draft with unlimited beer? I got this, willpower baby! Oh, someone told me I age well? My life is over. *Shotguns five beers then calls Taco Bell to make as many Chalupas as they can in the amount of time it takes to run there.*
  • Day 5: Whoops. Fell off the wagon, nothing a little morning jog can’t fix. Oh wait no I still feel like shit and am going to lay in bed and eat Red Vines all day. Tomorrow…we’ll get back on it tomorrow.
  • Day 6: The kale is starting to smell like sewage, but I can’t not eat. How else is my metabolism going to burn all this fat? Guess these Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Twinkies I forgot I had in my cupboard will have to do. Also red wine has antioxidants which I hear are good for you, sooooooo cheers to metabolism!
  • Day 7 through Day 28: Forgot I was on diet.
  • Day 29: Sister texts in the morning, “Weigh in first thing tomorrow morning!” *Realizes been on diet for the past month. Eats nothing all day, and drinks a gallon of coffee before bed to try to poop out the poor choices of the past 29 days. Googles: “Does lack of sleep help with weight loss?”  Fuck you WebMD, you don’t know what you’re talking about.*
  • Day 30: Weigh in. Might as well die, will never beat sister at anything.

I learned the hard way that starving yourself the day before a weigh in clearly will not work in your favor when you’re up against the fucking Dalai Lama of willpower also know as my sister. So fuck you, Maddi. You beat me again. ARE YOU HAPPY? You can find me in the fetal position in the kitchen with a jar of peanut butter and a spoon, trying to cry my body fat away.

In the end, after your sister is done shoving you down to rock bottom and making you feel like the worthless scum you are, she’ll always be there to show you the silver lining:

Thanks, Maddog 🙂

The Stages of Dieting

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