I recently had an emergency situation and have been MIA as a result. This was a life-threatening, drop-everything-you’re-doing, cancel-all-plans, type of emergency situation. The kind of emergency situation that makes you hug your loved ones a little tighter at the end of the day, you know the kind.
I finally mustered up the courage to update my 406 Facebook friends of this treacherous journey I was on, but as I typed the words, “kitty chemo” and uploaded a picture of my fatass cat who doesn’t give two shits about anything but eating and the occasional ass scratch, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Am I batshit crazy?” (The answer is obviously)
I stepped outside of myself for a moment and took a good hard look at my life. While it felt like everyone was posting pictures of their adorable children or their smiling husbands, here I was uploading a picture of myself playing with my 11-year-old cat (who is just as fucking adorable as your children, mind you).
It got me thinking, am I a future cat-loving spinster? I’m already a kitty-lover, so does that mean I’m halfway there? What are the other criteria that need be met prior to becoming a crazy spinster? Let’s dissect this ever important question.
- Must love cats. Check.
- Must love wine. Check.
- Must love cats and wine. Check and check.
- You’re the type of person who loves shopping for office supplies.
- You have a drawer in your apartment devoted to notebooks with inspirational quotes on the cover. Because the last time you touched a pen to a paper was when you learned cursive in second grade, but just in case, you better have enough notebooks to get you through until the second coming of Christ.
- You never call your pets by their actual names. Instead of “Lucy” you call them things like, “Lucifer” or “Kitten Mittens” or “Goose-tato” and instead of Maya you call them “Maya Papaya” or “Needy Gonzales” or “Puppy Princess” or “Stop Shitting in the House, you Fucking Dickwad”
- Once you’ve walked through the front door after work, not even an act of God can put your bra and pants back on or pry the glass of wine out of your hand.
- Does the fact that you’re wearing a full length robe and men’s slippers help? Probably.
- You don’t hate going to movies, restaurants or bars by yourself. But when things get awkward, you make the few friends you do have feel sorry for you…
- …until they finally give in and let you be #thirdwheelextraordinare on their Friday night date. *SAKE BOMBS FOR THE NEWLYWEDS (and me!)*
- You flirt with the bartender in hopes of scoring an extra side of ranch dressing for the plate of hot wings you ordered. By yourself.
- The Thai restaurant around the corner knows you by name, and puts two packages of plastic silverware in your to-go bag just to make you feel like you’re fooling somebody.
- Your family asks when you’re going to be married. Now that you can’t use the excuse, “I’ll get married when the gays can!” you tell them you’re still “finding” yourself. And homes for your 27 foster cats.
- You’ve googled “How to give self Heimlich maneuver” at least 6 times in the past year just to be safe.
- You get through an entire season of Gilmore Girls in one sitting. You chalk it up to a Friday night success.
While spinsters come in many shapes and forms, if the above describes you to a tee, your chances aren’t looking that great. Just know that you’re in good company, although you’ll likely be too busy guiding A&E’s Hoarders crew around your cat piss soaked newspapers and human feces filled diapers to care. Cheers!